So drunk its hurt
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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