He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
