Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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