Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
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