she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize