No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
