I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
