so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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