There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
