I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
