If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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