she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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