If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
