I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
