Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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