at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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