My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i think i just lost a toe
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
