he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
