last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
