They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
