8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You're incredible, and I'm drunk