I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
