and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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