Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he shaved USA in his pubs
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
