I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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