Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
