sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
