my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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