He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
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