There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
