the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
