That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
