I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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