It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
