hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
