While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
