I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
