If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
