genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
