peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
