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um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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