I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
