ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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