I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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