Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
