So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
