Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
