There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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