Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
