She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
