He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
