dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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