Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
