im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
