I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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